How can you dream about something you’ve never heard about?
Something you could never even try to comprehend?
Yet, it was there, in all of them.
A feeling that this wasn’t it.
This was not what it was supposed to be.
No matter what you do, there are some things you can’t take away from people.
Some things will always be left, deep down, out of reach.
Like a seed that was never nurtured.
That was dried, frozen, forgotten.
Lying there in the dark, waiting, hoping.
After all those year, all that takes might b a ray of sunlight, a drop of water.
Then the seed would remember what to do,
Digging its way towards the sun,
Like it was always meant to,
Like it never forgot.
Such strength to be alone. To make it on your own.
To go from sunrise to sunset without having to thank anyone.
To not rely on anyone, and that no one relies on you.
But perhaps you’ll come to realise
that to be strong enough to be alone is just a nicer way of saying
too weak to let anyone in.
Sometimes when I look at the sky,
I can believe why people used to believe that the earth is flat,
and that the sky is just a shell.
But sometimes, I can almost feel the earth moving underneath my feet.
When I look at the sky it’s like I can see the end of the universe.
And I wonder why I sometimes still don’t feel free.
Sometimes I think about suicide.
Not about doing it, never.
I just think about it, in a bitter way.
As if it sometimes feels like it’s the only freedom they can’t take away.
As if the only freedom in life is to choose when to end it all.
But then I remember that I always have the choice
to run straight into the forest and never come back.
I like to watch the dark from my window.
There is a peace there that I’ve never felt anywhere else.
Like I finally see the world the way it’s meant to be.
If people had never been around.
And I can almost see the forest grow back
right before my eyes.
I’m so afraid of dying.
Not because I’m happy.
Not because I love my life.
Rather the opposite.
Why if I’ve fought all this time
before I reached something that made it worth it.
What if it was all for nothing.
Sometimes I describe my depression as feeling as if I’m drowning.
And that sometimes I’s only when I let myself sink all the way down
and finally feel the bottom underneath my feet,
That I can find the strength to push my self
up to the surface.
The part I’m always leaving out though,
is that I still haven’t reached shore.
I know you still doubt me,
I don’t know what to say,
I don’t know what you want me to be.
Please just me finish, once and for all,
Perhaps finally you will see.
When the sky falls down
and will cease to exist,
When all lies ring solemn and true,
When the silence echoes
through walls of mist,
Is the way I’m leaving you.